Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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