I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
FUCK WHALES
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