I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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