Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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