you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
