Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
