I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
