you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
