Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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