im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
