so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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