I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
4 words: hood of his car
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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