we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
