R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I don't deserve a penis
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
