Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize