"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
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