dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
