just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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