I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
