im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
