forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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