Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize