i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
