When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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