it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Randomize