And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
