When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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