ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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