That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I need moral support for this bender
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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