Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
