your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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