the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
