oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
