I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
