I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Randomize
