I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize