Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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