I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
ttyl tear gas
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
