i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
