he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
