First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize