So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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