my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize