just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
