I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
