I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
