I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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