He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
