remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I need to align my fucking chakras
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
