Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
My vagina just recognized that song.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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