guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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