When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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