Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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