I've blown a few things in my day
even my farts smell like vagina
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
