You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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