I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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