he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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