my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize