The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
