remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
