instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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