i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize