Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
