Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
