he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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