I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
time to smoke my breakfast
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize