You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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