cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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